The Crux of Honoring a Hoax

Even to a German ear, professionally trained in deciphering unpronounceable geographic names, Grevenbroich sounds like a God-forsaken place, located somewhere between here and the middle of nowhere.

But town names, like appearances, can be extremely deceptive. Grevenbroich in the western German state of North Rhine-Westphalia is Germany's self-proclaimed "Federal Capital of Energy" -- not because Grevenbroichers are blasting techno music and popping recreational drugs from dusk till dawn, but rather because the town with the population of 65,000 is blessed with Europe's largest natural deposit of brown coal.

Coal deposits, however, are by definition not very sexy. That's why Grevenbroich's ambitious mayor Axel Prümm decided to promote his town by awarding honorary citizenship to Horst Schlämmer, one of Germany's most unpredictable and bombastic investigative journalists.

Schlämmer recently endeared himself to the German public by being the first celebrity ever who managed to switch seats with the host of the German version of the popular quiz show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" In the unexpected switch-over, the guest host and the host guest proceeded to win 500,000 euros ($638,000) for charity purposes.

A funny-looking fellow

Schlämmer is an odd duck with a mighty overbite and a dust-mop hairdo. His fashion trademark is his grey trench coat -- the kind you can normally see in the reruns of the 70s detective TV masterpiece "Columbo" or at your local meeting of exhibitionists anonymous. Schlämmer possesses an unsurpassed talent for springing up out of nowhere, ambushing politicians and celebrities when they least expect it, and asking them questions they don't want to hear. He also doesn't take no for an answer.

Yet most politicians in Grevenbroich and beyond are dismissive of the mayor's initiative.

"I think Horst Schlämmer is cool," said local conservative parliamentarian Josef Theisen. "But one needs a little more for honorary citizenship."

The 49-year-old chain-smoking Schlämmer is by far Grevenbroich's most famous son. A ladies' man, a man's man, a man on the town, Schlämmer is a local patriot with a preference for the "honest German cuisine." He has dedicated two inspiring songs to his hometown: "Ich bin geboren in Grevenbroich" (I was born in Grevenbroich) -- set to the music of Lee Marvin's "Wanderin' Star" -- and "Grevenbroich bei Nacht" (Grevenbroich by Night) -- a remake of Frank Sinatra's hit "Strangers in the Night."

So what's the catch?

There are actually two catches to the story. First of all, the town of Grevenbroich has in its long and illustrious history never awarded honorary citizenship to anybody -- much to the disappointment of thousands of German and international dignitaries who would have offered their first-born child to have a street named after them in Germany's capital of energy.

To make it happen, local authorities would have to officially institute the title of honorary citizen, which, in the Byzantine world of local bureaucracy, is easier said than done. Setting up a bipartisan committee along with at least three subcommittees, an outside expert team, a local think tank, an advisory board and an outreach network -- the bear minimum of red tape necessary to come up with a draft bill to be submitted to the municipal assembly for preliminary discussion -- could take years. Horst Schlämmer is still in his best years, but it is debatable whether he would still be around when and if the law is passed.

An even bigger problem is that Horst Schlämmer does not really exist. That doesn't necessarily mean that the mayor of Grevenbroich is delusional. Everybody knows Horst Schlämmer because he is a fictitious character invented by German comedian Hans Hape Kerkeling.

Just as Britain's Sacha Baron Cohen has created such memorable characters as wanna-be bad boy rapper Ali G, politically incorrect dork journalist from Kazakhstan Borat Sagdiyev and Austrian über-gay fashion reporter Bruno, Hape Kerkeling has been delighting the German public with his impersonations of imaginary Grevenbroich celebrity Hörst Schlämmer, Dutch family therapist Efje van Dampen and German folk music singer Maria Hellwig.

"Kerkeling portrays a loveable figure which provokes only positive reactions," said Grevenbroich spokesperson Norbert Häke. "Why shouldn't we take advantage of it?"

National pride

The politicians who are against the initiative are either completely lacking a sense of humor, or they know something which the rest of us don't. Municipal politics is serious business. Also, the German Foreign Ministry may have issued special instructions to Grevenbroichers to avoid -- at all costs -- an international scandal.

Namely, back in 1991, Germany was on the brink of a diplomatic disaster when Kerkeling -- cross-dressed as Queen Beatrix of Holland -- almost managed to bypass the flabbergasted security and protocol personnel at Berlin's Schloss Bellevue where a state dinner was being held in Her Majesty's honor. Only minutes later, the real queen arrived.

Queen Beatrix was graceful enough not to declare war on Germany at the time. That's why Germany should try its best today not to rub salt in an old Dutch wound.